I tried the original code the Admin posted by making my own custom.js and adding it to a drupal subtheme.info file and that didn’t seem to have any effect. Then I added it to the bottom of the jquery.smartmenus.js, nothing, then the top, that seemed to break functionality of all submenus.
Alas, I cannot figure out how to make ALL parent menus only act as placeholders to access their subs regardless of desktop/mobile.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.